Emotional Eating

Yesterday, I did the brute force thing with exercise, and it felt great. I was totally feeling good about everything and all was well. Then I cooked dinner, and my stepdaughter did not like it. I suppose there is something to be said for just letting it go and not taking it personally, and I have talked to myself and tried to approach it that way, but I just don't seem to be able to do so. It really does hurt my feelings, my cooking is not that atrocious! Anyway, the point of this post is not what upset me, but the response.

Immediately after being upset, all I wanted to do was eat. Now mind you, I had just eaten dinner, and was full, but I didn't care. I wanted cookies or ice cream or anything that would be fattening. I wanted it with a huge, burning fire desire baby. I decided to go to sleep instead, which led to me sleeping for about 9 hours, after sleeping 4 hours earlier in the day. Initially, I am okay with this response, as it was better to sleep than to gorge myself, but I can't go to sleep every time something upsets me. Obviously I also cannot give in to the desire to eat fattening foods every time I am upset either. I have to find a solution to this problem. I know that this means finding a different way of dealing with my stress, a way to redirect the urge positively. I am really at a loss. Talking about it really doesn't help, because the only thing I am thinking about when talking about it is, screw it, who cares, just eat whatever you want, it's not worth it.

Another thing that makes it hard to stay on track food wise is the fact that I have such a long ways to go. I mean, I don't have 20 or 50 pounds to lose, I have 140 pounds to lose. They say you should make small goals and just work towards those instead of looking at the bigger picture. Ok, yeah, that sounds good and all, but for me, I can see a littler goal, I can work towards a littler goal, but it is still in the back of my mind that I have a looooong ways to go. It is going to take >year to lose all that weight, maybe even 2. I am proud of being on the program for what, 5 days? I know you have to start somewhere, but I am looking forward to having been successful for a longer period of time, and having lost a considerably larger amount of weight.

Ok, so in the spirit of following my own advice, I am setting a smaller goal today. I am going to work towards the goal of reaching the weight of 250. I have not been that small(small, really? LOL) since before I got pregnant with Patrick. That would be 15 years ago. That is only 38 pounds, and definitely a goal that would feel damned good! Ok, so, mini goal set!

Until next time...

The Slump Day

I have officially hit the day that my diet/exercise plans usually go up in smoke. The day varies, it can be the second day, it can be the tenth day. Regardless of when it comes, the result is typically the same: I say, screw this, I want potato chips and ice cream and steak and I don't feel like going to the gym, I just wanna be a lazy bum and eat whatever I want, and it will take too long anyway, so why bother? Yeah, that day is today. The difference is, I am going to try to brute force past this day. I have a suspicion if I actually force myself to stick with my program through today, then tomorrow I am going to feel awesome for the accomplishment.

It is hard. Don't think for a second that I am excited about this crap. I am partially writing this blog post to make myself follow through with what I know I need to do. I have gotten as far as putting on workout clothing and downloading my bodybugg. My husband, being the sweetheart that he is, does not want to push. I scowled at him and told him to be supportive, and he said he will love me no matter what size I am. It is the safe, reassuring answer I would expect for him, I guess I hoped he would channel his inner Jillian Michaels and scream at me to get up and get moving. While that would be startling, the fact remains, he can't do this for me. He can't want this for me. I have to do this for me, because I want it more than I want that bag of chips and bowl of ice cream.

I remember reading something once, and I try to say it to myself to keep myself on track: Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels. It seems like a trite saying, but I think that probably that is true. I bet being fit will feel way better than chips taste. Right. Anyway, as for now, I am heading out to the gym. No C25K today, taking a rest day (only supposed to run 3 days a week) but I am going to go to the gym and walk for awhile, just to get in a decent amount of activity.

Until next time...

Hopefully first of many...

Well, I have started blogs various times throughout the past few years, and I have never really stuck with them very long. I am approaching this a bit differently. I am writing this for me. I am compelled to start recording regularly about my life, most especially since my memory since chemotherapy is not what it used to be. I want to be able to read through this and remember how I was feeling at that time. I would be happy to have people read it and either gain some desired insight into who I am, or maybe I am shooting high, but I would love it if I can help inspire other people to do better things in their life, or to know that life really does get better. Even if none of that happens, I will be happy just to have gotten my thoughts and feelings down in a written form I can review later.

Today's post is going to be about my weight loss goal. I have been told by my physicians that my body is cancer free at this time. By no means am I out of the woods, however, I have to continue to get scans to check for its return at regular intervals. The thing is, during some of the hell that was my life during cancer treatment, when I would eat things I shouldn't, when I didn't do much of anything at all, I promised myself that if I survived cancer, I was going to do whatever it would take to lose the weight to give myself the best possible chance of a long life. I couldn't bring myself to do anything about my weight during the time when I was never even sure I would wake up the next day, let alone make any long term plans. Well, now it is time.

In preparation for the long battle in front of me, I have procured the tools I feel I need to make this a successful life change. I purchased a bodybugg, because delayed gratification is not nor has it ever been my thing. I want instantaneous proof of my "success". The bodybugg gives you a really accurate accounting of how many calories you are burning in a day, which is a way for me to instantly know how well or poorly I am doing. I purchased a filter for our sink so I can drink water, as the water out of our tap is disgustingly chlorine flavored. I could buy bottled water, but I am trying to be more green and not add to the bazillion plastic bottles out there. I already have a membership to 24 hour Fitness, and I downloaded the couch to 5K app to my iPhone. I put new batteries in my scale, and bought some vitamins.

I am on the second day of the couch to 5K program (C25K) and it went really fairly well. I had a little trouble getting out of the door, but once I was there, I felt pretty good about being there. For me, actually going to the gym has been a big part of the battle. My body feels fatigued, I think it is experiencing a bit of shock. It is likely saying to me lady, you just put us through chemotherapy, a bilateral mastectomy, radiation treatments, started a new job, and now this?! I haven't experienced the whole, Wow it feels good to exercise feeling yet, I sure hope that is coming.

I have decided to be accountable on Facebook and Twitter to help make sure I keep this going, but this blog is probably the biggest form of accountability...to myself. I just have this feeling in my mind that the only way I am going to live a long life, the only way I am going to beat cancer for good is to get healthy. Cancer was the wakeup call of a lifetime, and it made me realize I do indeed want to live, and not as a couch potato!